Matters Of Life And Death

Throughout my life the question “What happens when we die?” entered my mind often and until I had my daughter 17 years ago, I didn’t have an answer.  I’d grown up a Catholic and as an adult no longer attended church.  I’d say I was spiritual but didn’t adhere to any organized religion at the time of my NDE.

In July of 2000, I had just graduated from my Physician Assistant training program and due to give birth.  My daughter had a medical issue so the plan was to induce me a week before my due date and have her evaluated by a specialist.  On a Sunday evening I was admitted to the hospital and the induction started but by Monday morning I hadn’t progressed very much.  After getting an epidural she began showing signs of distress so a device to monitor her vital signs had to be screwed into her scalp.  While it was placed I began having trouble breathing, which rapidly progressed to being unable to draw any air at all into my lungs.  I was suffering an amniotic fluid embolism and went into cardiac arrest where my pulse was lost for 8 minutes.  On that hot Monday morning as my family waited for news on my condition, I was having an NDE.

When I “died”, my essence transitioned into particles, tiny black specs, that merged with the divine Love of the universe in an infinitely loving, dark, dense yet ever expansive space.  Its Love was everything.  While there, I encountered shadow beings who needed my help.  I did want to help them and once they felt that, they took full advantage and started stealing my particles, one by one, depleting me of my essence until I felt myself fading away.  I knew I’d be completely destroyed if I continued to allow what was happening to happen, so I made a decision.  I chose myself over the shadow beings.  I chose me over those who needed me, which was completely out of character.  Immediately, I wanted to leave and once I felt that desire, the universe pulled me away.  That one part of my experience in and of itself was a huge lesson, one that I’d continue to practice over and over again on this earthly plane.

Prior to my NDE, I’d been living mostly for others.  I wanted certain things for myself but like so many of us, frequently put the needs and desires of others before mine.  I’d justify it by saying I was being unselfish and loving when it really didn’t serve me at the time, in fact, it was a disservice.  In the long run, I ended up sacrificing myself in the process of trying to do the “right” thing for others and for many years wasn’t aware of how unhappy it made me.  Despite the incredible experience of my near death, my life here continued on around me and I had to try and fit back into it.  I wasn’t capable of integrating and expressing the lessons of my NDE at the time, therefore, the lessons were repeated until I was able to.  That learning curve included integrating my NDE fully and completely into my life before I was able to really “get it.”  What is “it”?  Love.  In all it’s forms. Plain and simple.

After choosing to leave that divine, loving, peaceful realm of the afterlife, my Angels, my two spirit guides I’d encountered, turned to me and communicated that if I was to choose to come back, I needed to share what I’d learned there.  I agreed, not knowing how I would.  I wasn’t given a guide book or instructions on how to do it.  Ultimately, what I needed to do was figure out how to translate the Love I was in my NDE into this three dimensional world.  I had to learn how to be that Love first before I could share it with others, like I promised I would.  I had to go through the trials of my life so I could literally transform back into the Love we emerge from and return to when we leave these bodies.  Love and learning how to return to it was what they wanted me to share.  That is what I’m here to do.  I Love you all!