When I talk about my journey after having my daughter and a near death experience at the same time, I often have “a -ha!” moments where new revelations help my understanding of my life and death grow.
For many years after my NDE, in order to appease everyone around me, I made a conscious effort to continue being the “old” Krista, the one who thought the same as she did and acted the way she would, but now had the experience of the love I really was, so being the “old” Krista no longer felt quite right. Still, in order to maintain what felt safe in my life, I justified the feeling and found a way to continue living that way.
Even though my memory and retention wasn’t that great, (8 minutes without blood flow to my brain) because I focused my attention on things like grudges and past hurts, I was able to hold on to them which of course made them easier to remember. One of the things I’d done in my life before was to be easily slighted and resentful. Being that way never felt good, but I wasn’t able to connect the “not feeling good” to my own thoughts and behaviors. It was always someone else’s fault, not mine. Ego can be incredibly strong when we’re not aware!
Once I began my process of reawakening to the love I am, I realized the hurt and resentment wasn’t in alignment with who I was. I worked less at holding onto and was gradually able to heal and let go of the negative emotions I’d carried with me from the past. I began to feel lighter and more in alignment with my true self.
During that process I had a significant a-ha moment while reading through someone’s Facebook post where they used the phrase “Forgive but don’t forget.” I disagreed. My memory loss and poor recall along with remembering who I really am has allowed me to easily forget the things others do or say that my ego may initially perceive as hurtful. Not only that, but I’ve allowed my ego to take a backseat to the love I am and rarely feel slighted or injured by the action or lack of action of those around me. It’s not that I consciously let it go each and every time but I simply forget about it, not just in my mind but in my body as well. I also choose over and over to live from the perspective of love and compassion so the times where negative feelings enter into my consciousness are not nearly as frequent as they were in the past.
Thoughts manifest in our physical form and what I discovered when I began to make my transformation here, returning to the love I am, was that I started to physically feel better. I was not holding on to negativity. For a long time I worked at not letting it go because it kept me tethered to my ego and my ego kept me stagnant so I didn’t have to open up and be the person I knew my self to be. Through letting go of the fear of being “me” I was able to heal past hurts and let them go so I could better live my truth. It’s the same path we all walk toward living in this world as the love we are and I wish that same feeling of freedom for everyone!
Much Love! xox
Krista Gorman, PA-C
